Hurt
June 27, 2010, 5:35 PM
While going through one of Z's drawers (honestly looking for something) I found a picture of a coworker's daughter and prom date buried at the bottom of his sock drawer. It's weird and immediately struck me as such. Only very private things get buried in the bottom of sock or underwear drawers, private and/or special things that one only wants for oneself get buried at the bottom of these drawers and while I feel guilty violating his privacy I can't help but feel violated as well. I was under the impression that we have a strong and open relationship, a relationship that by most indications is moving toward us getting a place together and eventually getting married. Am I wrong?
Normally the picture of another girl mixed in with his things wouldn't even cause me to bat an eye considering the number of Maxim magazines laying around and the amount of porn that he watches (which I am mostly ok with, mostly,) but this . . . this is different. Finding this picture of her didn't make me look at my body and force me to remind myself that photoshop does amazing things - this hurt, this felt like betrayal and the worst part is that I can't figure out if I am overreacting or if this too is something that I should shrug off as harmless.
Except that I can't just shrug it off because I have seen the way she looks at him and I have seen the way that he acts around her. Picture them at something as innocent as a Christmas party with their heads bent towards each other laughing and talking until I've had enough. Picture them texting back and forth. Picture him being overly defense about it when asked about the conversation. Picture flirty messages posted on his mysapce and facebook walls. Picture him frequently flipping through her online photos and even saving some of them to his phone and/or computer. Picture her actually sending him pictures of herself that aren't online. Picture him saving those too. Picture him sending her a private message on facebook telling her that her new profile picture is cute, that she seems happy. Picture them ending the back and forth message with "Miss you" and "Miss you too." Picture his girlfriend with a churning stomach and a heart full of uncertainty.
Unfortunately I don't have to "picture" any of these things, I just wish I could "picture" how best to deal with them instead. Do I say something to him, to her? If so, how? How can I not say anything? Am I blowing this way out of proportion and if so by how much? Who can I talk to about this? What will they say? What do I do now? If only I knew.
my | sunshine